and...

we got BAD news today. It didn't work this time-no explanation really, just wasn't our time. We now have to wait until JULY to try again, which seems like an eternity. I still need to pull myself together, so I will update later.

16 hours and counting

I haven't had much to write the last few days...I have been too busy trying to distract myself in order to not lose my mind. I have NOT tested...much to Eric's dismay. I think I would rather just hear it from Werlin instead of hovering in the bathroom-either way it will sound better coming from him!

I am having some small "signs", but it is so hard to know what is real and what is hormone induced. I have played this game with myself too many times before, so I'm just trying to stay busy and not dwell. I'll know soon, but not soon enough!

I did get to go back to work today, so that was GREAT...I was occupied for 9 hours straight! Now what to do for the next 16 hours? It probably won't be sleep-I sure didn't last night. I will update tomorrow, good news or bad-I know I am supposed to hope for the best, and prepare for the worst-but oh, man- this gets harder by the second!

The BEST shower of my life!

This morning I got a call back from Dr. Werlin's office, with the all-clear to get up and shower. I have NEVER enjoyed a shower more than that one! I was also told that I can't lift anything, can't CLEAN, and I can't be on my feet for more than 10 to 15 minutes at a time. All is good, except for the cleaning part. My house looks like the day after a HUGE frat party- minus the alcohol. It will take me a week to get through all of the laundry and dishes! These boys just don't have the know-how...hopefully they can now appreciate a clean house after living in a pig-sty for the last week!!

It has been getting a little bit harder to keep from obsessing the last few days. I haven't been sleeping well (partly due to the unshaved legs!!), but mostly because I can't turn my mind off. I am trying really hard to think positive, and thank GOD for my husband and all of my girlfriends that are trying to keep me on track. For the most part I'm good-I keep imagining the end result being babies in our arms...(did I just say babies?!) But the scary thoughts do creep in , such as, What if Werlin calls with ANOTHER no? After going through all of this, I don't know HOW we would handle that...hopefully we don't have to find out. Only 6 more days...but time has definitely slowed WAAAYYY down!! Did I mention that I have become obsessed with two TLC shows-"Bringing Home Baby", and "A Baby Story". I cry, every episode, every time. Ahhh, the hormones!!

Bed rest-day 3

First off, I have to say that I LIED about those huge needle shots not hurting. OUCH!!!! My muscles are so sore and tight I can't believe it! I just have to keep telling myself to take it one day at a time, and it will all work out.

So I did a little searching today for an IVF pregnancy calculator, and this is what I found.
For one baby, our due date is January 5. For twins-December 15; for triplets, November 17th!!! I would be 2 weeks and 6 days pregnant today. Thank GOD our pregnancy test is in 8 days...I don't think I could wait a minute longer! Hopefully I can be strong enough not to take one before we go in to the Dr-at this point I can say I will be but I don't know how I'll feel next week! It's very hard to think about all of this, while in the back of my mind knowing that there IS a small chance it won't be real-but I need to stay positive so this is how I can do that-looking into the future. Please God, let it work this time!!

Jake is so excited to be a part of all of this, and can't stop playing the "What if" game. He says that we should have "fraternal" twins...since that's a boy and a girl! Where do they get this stuff? I am really glad that we told him, and that everything is out in the open. It makes it so much easier to not have to hide anything from him anymore! I never questioned his reaction to being a big brother; I was just worried that if it took a really long time, that would be harder for him than not knowing. But now that we have moved on to something with such a higher success rate, not to mention all of the shots and medicines and drs appointments I've had lately, it was time to share it with him. And now, he can't wait!!

The amazing world of IVF!

Our 3 little embryos!!

One round of IVF drugs-my own pharmacy!!

Well it has been a couple of months-our last round of IUI didn't work, so we did move on with IVF. It really hasn't been as hard as I thought it would be..I am given directions by Dr Werlin, and I follow them-without asking a lot of questions! This is definitely a whole new world from IUI. Shots two, sometimes 3 times a day, all kinds of pills, and drs appointments either every other or every day! The shots that i had to take were all self-administered in my stomach-and I have to admit I was starting to feel like a human pincushion between those and the blood draws every day! The bruises haven't quite gone away on my stomach, and I had a pretty crazy reaction to the last shot I had to give myself, which was the HCG. (trigger shot given EXACTLY 35 hours before egg retrieval). Amazingly though, all of this seems to make the time go by faster. The really good thing about IVF has been that I feel a lot less emotional about everything. With all of this preparation, how can it NOT work?

On Tuesday, I went in for my egg retrieval. Dr. Werlin was able to retrieve 17 eggs; 16 of which were mature enough to fertilize. This was an outpatient surgery, but the scariest part was going under anaesthesia-the last thing i remember in the operating room is my arms being tied down, a burning in my hand from the sleepy juice going in, and Werlin saying "NOT to be DENIED!!"-and then I woke up in recovery. Otherwise the whole thing was uneventful! On Wednesday morning Werl called to let us know that 11 of the eggs had fertilized normally, and that things looked GREAT! We weren't sure if we would be back in Friday or Sunday for the transfer of the embryos back into my uterus-he actually wouldn't be calling until Friday morning to let us know. All I knew was that if we went in on day 3 (Friday) he would be transfering 3 back in, and if we could wait until day 5 (Sunday) it would only be 2. Praying for Sunday then, to say the least!

But as it was, the call that came at 7am yesterday was Werl saying, "honey, your eggs look BEAUTIFUL, BUT to be on the safe side, i want to see you in here today so that we can make this happen!!! So again, I do what he says, and don't ask questions.

We went in yesterday at noon, and it is always such a relief to see Werlin. He always manages to calm me with his loud, obnoxious yelling...SARAH SCHURZ...IT'S THE SCHURZ-MEISTERS!!!" and that's all it takes...I know i'm in the best hands! The process itself is truly amazing. They take the top 3 embryos and grade them on a scale of 1 to 4...1 being best. At this stage, the ideal embryo would have 8 cells. We had one with 8 and two with 7 cells, with an overall grade of 1.2. Does that mean that triplets are in our future? According to Werlin, the chances of that are less than 1%.

We then got an ultrasound picture of the embryos to hold while the transfer began. The embryos are placed in a catheter, and ultrasound helps Werl to guide the catheter to the exact spot in my uterus to place them. Once there, I can see it on the screen!! Three tiny white dots...our future babies?? We then get a photo of the dots, the catheter is taken to be checked (to make sure there isn't one still lingering) we hear an all clear! yelled down the hall, and we're done! Next comes an hour of pretty excruciating cramping...have you ever felt that your insides were in a vice-grip?! But it mostly went away by the time we could leave. A ride home in the car laying down, and straight to the couch for me.

And then the fun REALLY began. I almost immediately realized how helpless I was...and how much I was going to be reliant on poor Eric and Jake (and anyone else brave enough to come through the door!) I do believe that this will be a good learning experience though for my boys...they might just realize how much I do for them every day! =) But the scariest part was starting the MONSTER shots last night...the ones that I can't do myself, because they are HUGE and they have to go in my hips. So when the time came last night, I cried! I was so scared that Eric was going to hurt me...but honestly, those big needles hurt much less than the little ones I was giving to myself! I know it was only the first night, and it won't always be that easy, but if we do end up pregnant, I have to keep these up for 12 weeks!

Fast forward to where I am now-on my back for 5 days-with only bathroom privileges...I can't even take a shower! So now here i am, flat on my back, not quite 24 hours in. AND I'M SO BORED!!! I've already read an entire book today!! But it's all VERY worth it...I just have to keep reminding myself of this as my back aches and my feet tingle!! =) I'm sure these are all just things to prepare me for pregnancy-it HAS been almost 12 years since I was pregnant, so I probably need the reminders!

Round 4

Well here we are again, in the two week waiting period to find out if we're pregnant. We did the insems Saturday and Sunday-3 eggs, and all else looked great; so we'll see if any of them stick! I'm trying desparately to not psych myself out this time. I'm not obsessing (yet), I'm not abusing Dr. Google, I'm just trying to take it as it comes, and go one day at a time. We did decide that we weren't going to find out the progesterone levels this time-I'd rather fly blind the whole two weeks than see a number and try to speculate what that means! One thing is for sure...this ordeal has really brought Eric and I much closer together. It has been very difficult, and even more so that we have chosen not to tell Jake what we're doing. We have had to make excuses several weekends in order to make these early morning appointments on the weekends, and i hate having to lie to him. I just think that he would be feeling all of the disappointments that we are, and that can't be good for an 11 year old!!

As many of you may know, Eric and I have been under the care of the AMAZING Dr. Werlin, an infertility specialist in Irvine since last August. While we are very fortunate and blessed with the son we have, we are both longing for more children, and it has been a lot more challenging to realize that dream than we ever anticipated! I know...it seems weird that we have a child yet need to go through the infertility process...but I am a firm believer in the fact that GOD has a plan for us...it's just taking a little too long, so we felt like we'd give fate a bit of a medical nudge!!I have been struggling with starting this "outlet"-a place that I can write about what we are going through, feelings, issues; all of the ups and downs in the infertility world. I now have some time to make the leap, so here I am!



The past 6 months have been incredibly difficult. There are huge ups (so you think at the time), and then even bigger let downs. We have used the IUI method 3 times so far, to no avail, and The Werl has told us that we can do that one more time before we have to start looking at IVF. YIKES!!! I'm not sure how realistic of an option that is for us at this point, so I'll continue my mantra of "THIS time, it WILL work!" and hope and pray that it does.



So far this month (round 4), I have started the clomid, and we are looking at the end of next week for insem. Then the two weeks of hell start!! It's the waiting game...am I feeling anything? Am I more tired, crampy, hungry, swollen than usual? Am I imagining that I am? I can tell you (and my poor husband can back me!) that I have been much more moody lately, but this apparently is attributed to the hormones that are elevated from the clomid. I will say that I WILL NOT be doing any more home pregnancy tests. There is nothing more depressing than seeing that one lonely line...so i refuse to do that to myself anymore!! I REALLY MEAN IT THIS TIME! The first time, I took FIVE tests, like a big dummy. The second time, two; and the last time just one. It's just been a process of weaning myself I think, so I should be good this time!


I have become very familiar with "Dr. Google" (as Claudia lovingly refers to it!) in the last 6 months, and spend countless, insane hours reading, re-reading and obsessing about EVERYTHING AND ANYTHING INFERTILITY...and I especially love to read other people's journeys as they battle through. My problem is that I tend to OVERanalyze everything, so it's not been a healthy relationship between Dr. Google and I. Thank goodness he can't judge me or my insanity!!

I will have an update after next Wed..our "day 10" appointment!